Keep-Cool Tips

Keep-Cool Tips插图

Much of the U.S. remains in the grips of a record heat wave. Here are some handy tips to help you stay cool and safe in this dangerously hot summer weather: \nPurchase a Celsius thermometer to enjoy summer temperatures that rarely exceed 35 degrees

\nGrow a coat of dense fur. While this may sound far-fetched, the fur will actually insulate your skin and protect it from the heat

\nThe yellow face, it burns us. Stay in your dank cave and guard your precious

\nSeal all doors and windows, then flood your home with refreshing Lipton iced tea. Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers will chill you to the very bone

\nIf you leave pets in the car with the windows rolled up, be sure to stop by the parking lot every 30 minutes or so to baste them

\nRemember: Heat rises. Fall into a deep well

\nStrenuous exercise can lead to heat exhaustion. If you must have sex, let the bitch do all the work

\nPut out any fires in your home to reduce heat

\nUnder no circumstances should you pay heed to emergency requests from power companies to limit air-conditioner use. Run your air conditioner at full blast until you brown out the entire region

\nKeep your dentures, hip brace, diapers and wig in the freezer when not in use

\nHeat is a manifestation of infrared radiation, the low-frequency part of the electromagnetic spectrum that is emitted by aliens. To prevent exposure to these Venusian mind-control waves, wrap head in tinfoil

\nKeep cool with delicious Frosty Fritz-brand frozen ice-cream treats

\nIf possible, cause the sun to collapse into a singularity, or “black hole.” \nAvoid “hot” programming like Cinemax After Dark

\n Lose some weight, you goddamn walrus.\n